So you’ve finally realised that Emo guys are dicks, huh? Ah well, we all have to learn the hard way sometimes.
Anyway here are some tips on how to hasten the breakup process.
- Explain to him that you’re not really a girl. But a man. With a big hairy schlong downstairs. If he’s bisexual he might be enthralled by this revelation. In such a situation you must warn him off by shaking your groin from side to side like an elephant shaking it’s trunk to get a monkey off. Make primitive chimp noises at him until he’s left the room
- Wipe your ass with his record collection everytime you use the bathroom. This might hurt for a bit but it’ll eventually upset him enough to cause a breakup.
- Tell your boyfriend that you’re leaving him to become a Nun in the Church. Since he’s likely to be a devout atheist he’ll turn his back on you and run.
- Ask him to pose naked in the most awkward way imaginable. Then take a picture of him on your cellphone, digitally edit it by superimposing the text “How’s about this for a wet weekend!?!!” over his genetilia before sending it to your entire address book. Be sure to include him on the send and point and laugh as he heads towards another breakdown when he reads the message.
- Tell him that you’ve only been pretending to be vegetarian and all of this time you’ve been asking for extra Meat on your sandwich at Subway. If this doesn’t kill your relationship, run into his kitchen and begin devouring all meat based products in the kitchen.
- If you’re invited to a family funeral make sure that you eat as much beans as you can the previous night before farting at the most sensitive moment in the funeral. “Yes Stephanie was a lovely woman….~huge fart~ What the holy fuck was that?”. Be sure to be sitting there beaming like a Cheshire Cat with your legs akimbo.
- Without warning one morning, grab his glasses straight off of his face and begin to stamp up and down on them.
- Make a pass at his grotesquely ugly Uncle before mentioning “Jesus you’re far better looking than that ugly piece of crap over there!”
