Is there a really hot guy in school that you want to impress by turning Emo over night? Well then follow these tips and you’ll be well on your way to being Emo in 24 hours.
Don’t take any of these seriously unless you really want to be depressed.
- Lie in bed at night and think about your parents mortality. Think about your own mortality too and how nobody will likely show up at your funeral unless you stop picking your ass in public.
- Repeatedly smack your head off your bedroom window until you feel dizzy and in despair. If you repeat this process continually then the feelings of despair will gradually intensify until they are overwhelming. Be sure to stop short of actually smashing your head through the window otherwise you’ll end up slicing your god damn head off and then your parents will be totally mad too.
- Watch Forrest Gump on repeat and think about how Gump will be alone forever as no-one would be that desperate to sit on his noggan ever again. Think about how the kid will never have any friends and will be stabbed in the eyes with forks in school.
- Think about the very real threat of nuclear war and how it’s just a press of a button away. Even if you succeed in life, all of your hard work will be done by some asshats in the Middle East out to prove that their God is the one true God.
- Realize that there is no Heaven or God and that after death we sleep for eternity. You’ll never see any of your friends or pets again. You only have one life and that life in itself is likely to be extremely lousy. Either way you’re gonna lose.
- Even if you win over your Emo love in school they won’t love you for who you are. They’ll openly mock you behind your back to their scene friends about all of the “secrets” you’ve told him. Especially the one about you still crapping the bed regularly at 15.
