"He's a liar, he waxes his nipples!"Time to check back in with the gaggle of vapid queens who are all going to be held responsible for every not-good thing to ever happen to a gay person, bitches!
Ryan! Ryan is turning 30 and the poor dear is having a hard time of it. Because he is the creme de la creme of gay society, he will be holding a "benefit" rather than a mere "party," which brings to the fore all his pretensions of being some sort of 1950s society matron. And like all 1950s society matrons planning a benefit, he starts off by "interviewing" bartenders by asking them to remove their shirts. Vicious-for-no-discernible-reason Queen T.J. takes over and all but shoves dollar bills down their jeans. Madam Ryan does not approve.Reichen! Reichen gets a call from Austin, who is in the middle of slaughtering a chicken, surrounded by black candles and pictures of Roidney with big red X's scrawled over them. Reichen, for no good reason whatsoever, agrees to go out with him. "It's not like a date or anything," says Reichen, admitting that Roidney's not happy about it but he's going to go anyway because this is reality television and it would be one mighty long hour if people didn't do stupid things.
Derek! Derek somewhat hilariously has taken the lead in the Society Matron Sweepstakes and swans around as if she's a Vanderbilt, saying things like, "I"m really selective on who I'll share my contacts with," and "This is the Hamptons. You don't do that sort of thing." Society pages the world over continue to ignore him.
Roidney! Roidney reveals that he's bisexual and that he really doesn't care about Austin desperately trying to touch his man's penis. "I don't need talking about it." Derek sneers so hard at this news his face cracks off in bits and pieces, splashing into his drink.
Mike! Mike is staying FAR away from these no-name queens, checking in long enough to do a totally shitty photo shoot with Roidney and debuting his new Bieber hair 'do, which puts the nail in the coffin on the idea that he somehow has more dignity than the rest of the cast..
Austin! Bitch is crazy.
Okay, the queens are all wound up. so let's set them loose and see what happens!
Austin reserved a "private dining room" for his not-date with Reichen, although it looks more like a VIP Lounge at a strip club. Because this is not a date and because Reichen is not at all the kind of guy who desperately needs every other guy to drool over him, Reichen tells a story about taking an "herbal supplement" at a party and walking around with a hardon for hours (Newsflash: there is not one "herb" found in the formula for Viagra). Austin sweats profusely at this news and pretends like he's not surreptitiously touching himself under the table. Austin tells us that Reichen and Roidney aren't going to last the month. Reichen ends the not-date by not-asking Austin for another not-date. "I think we should hang out and do stuff." What is he, 13?
Later, Roidney and Reichen go to boot camp because, as Reichen says, "It's like our job to keep up our six packs." And you know what? As silly as that sounds, he's right. We'll give him that. On the other hand, he refers to himself and Roidney as "aesthetic minded people," which is Reichen for "vain." Like no boot camp we ever remember hearing about, the session ends with Reichen and Roidney smelling each other's armpits. Roidney asks about the not-date with Austin, w
hich he doesn't care about. "What was you guys was talking about?" Reichen neatly avoids mentioning the 6-hour erection story and hilariously tries to say that he thinks Roidney and Austin will like each other, all evidence to the contrary. Reichen explains his behavior to us: "This is a gay relationship." Straight America? If you're watching this show, on behalf of the gays, allow us to step in here. Reichen refusing to commit to one guy while desperately teasing another guy who's looking to break up his relationship has absolutely nothing to do with being gay and everything to do with him being an aging prettyboy attention whore who will do anything it takes to keep the spotlight on him. Just thought you should know.Ryan goes to Dr. Juan, a dentist who kisses patients on the mouth when he greets them and who thinks the teeth are located somewhere above the eyebrows. According to Ryan, he is one of the best dentists in New York City. Remember, Ryan thinks he's some sort of A-List society queen, so his assessment of things is more than a little suspect. He defends the surreptitious botox thusly: "I have to keep myself looking young and fabulous for my husband." Why do these bitchy queens all sound like they're quoting from "The 1955 Guide For Girls?" Ryan's "personal designer" comes over with some totally off-the-rack clothes for him to try on. "I can't just wear clothes that anyone else can get," Ryan sniffs. He settles on a black button down dress shirt, something that no one else can get.
Meanwhile, Mike is shooting Roidney by getting him "doiwty." Roidney is game for anything Mike Ruiz wants to do to him. "If he want me to be doiwty I will be doiwty." Derek stops by to sneer and for once, we're right there with him. We don't know what the hell Mike was thinking, but even we could tell these were not the images for a NY model's portfolio. More like a calendar you'd see in a store that sells rainbow suncatchers and teddy bears in leather jockstraps. Derek sneers some more and tells us that he thinks Roidney's just a dilettante sitting around while Reichen earns the money. To which we ask, "WHAT money?" A
question we continue to ask as Reichen and Roidney look at apartments together. We say "together" but it was as clear as the staging on this show that Reichen will be giving Roidney the key to the maid's entrance. "The most important room in my home is my office," Reichen informs us, presumably because that's where his webcam is located.Derek is at the Hamptons because "it's the place to be seen every summer." Derek decides to make Austin his latest project. "I think we're at the point now where I can be really honest with him," says Derek, which means "We've got cameras on us, so I better step up the drama." Austin reveals himself to have all the charm of an inbred mule. Derek once again says something bitchy that we can't help agreeing with: "He's not pretty anymore, so no one has to listen to his bullshit." Derek accepts a phone call and Austin goes totally bunny boiler in response. "You don't do that kind of stuff. This is like, this is the Hamptons." And with that, Derek snaps his pocketbook shut, adjusts the netting on his hat, and turns on his sensible heels.
Reichen's mother comes to look at his new apartment, see his play, and appear on his reality show. Reichen sheds inexplicable tears over nonexistent hardships. "I've taken on so much and I feel like nobody's helping me."
Because his whirlwind schedule of desperately trying to get rich and stay famous doing absolutely nothing of value is so very stressful, you guys. Mama Reichen shows us where he got his rock-solid values from by reminding him that he's still fuckable.Derek and his fruitfly go hot tubbing with Austin. Like so many fruitflies, she's completely ignored in favor of Gay Drama. First, Derek and Austin discuss their theories on how Rodiney is a social climber while sitting in someone else's hot tub. Then, Derek brings up Austin's boorish behavior around telephones, informs him "That can't happen if we're going to be friends," and holds up a finger solemnly, intoning, "Strike 1." Austin didn't stand up in the hot tub and pee angrily all over Derek's face in response, but
a) We kinda wish he had, and
b) Derek acted like he did anyway.
"He's a neanderthal," Derek says breathlessly. "He's not made for society." His fruitfly fans him and snaps open an ammonia capsule under his nose.
After recovering, Derek meets Reichen and Rodiney in an empty bar because "I wanted to tell him about the uncouth comments Austin was saying about him." Translation: "I'm seeking maximum drama."
It's Ryan's birthday party! The SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON! A full FIFTEEN people showed up (including the photographer). In the midst of this glittering event, all the drama comes to a head. Reichen confronts Austin, who claims his dick talk was "totally out of context." Reichen blinks his eyes bovinely and keeps repeating "You've never seen my
genitalia." Derek can see things aren't reaching their potential, so he injects himself into the confrontation, because "This kid needs to be shut down." Again, we agree with the little sneerer, but his self-importance is hilarious. After getting nowhere with the classless blockhead, Derek goes full-on Third Grade. "We're not friends," he informs Austin. "Maybe we can be friends in three months."And with that, Austin is crossed off Derek's Trapper Keeper cover, possibly FOREVER. But definitely for the next three months, you guys.
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Labels: A-List: New York, A-List: New York Season 1
