"Clothes don't love you back, Rachel."A moment of silence for Ashley; Rodger and Rachel eulogize her as if she's died. After a suitable few seconds of mourning, Rachel brightens as she announces she's doing Passover Seder, prompting her to say things like, "This turkey has become like Cameron Diaz's Oscar dress," and "Oh my god, I have to stick my hand in the cavity." Rodger helpfully reminds her that a Seder is not a BABYBABYBABY. Rodger does this a lot;
pointing out how certain things are not babies. We imagine he'd be stumped if he ever came across an actual baby. "It's a...it's a...well, it's not a Seder, I can tell you that."Rodger urges Rachel to make a baby before she gets dressed to go to work. Rachel takes the opportunity to let him know that she's made an important breakthrough and now has an outfit picked out for the hospital, should she ever find herself in the situation of having a baby come out of her. Rachel is proud of this important step. Rodger sighs and goes off to masturbate.
Meanwhile, Brad Goreski has had it with the insane schedule lately! Sort of. "I'm kind of
starting to feel like enough is enough." Okay, Brad. Get back to us after you graduate to definitely feeling like enough is enough and then we'll coach you the rest of the way to "enough is enough." It's all about getting rid of the qualifiers, dear. Otherwise, you're a doormat.Comedian Amy Phillips, who, it has to be said, does a perfect Rachel impersonation, is coming by later to shoot a a little skit. Rachel says, "That's gonna be a major moment." She turned out to be right, but not in the way she thought. Rodger chooses exactly this major moment to air out his panties in front of the whole staff. Rachel repeatedly detesticles him in front of everyone. Later, Rodger and Brad have a little Oprah moment. Apologies are offered, tears are shed and both men bond over the shared revelation that Rachel's kind of a bitch. Rachel proves this later by informing Rodger that he has to apologize to Brad after he's apologized to Brad and yelling at Rodger for yelling at people. It's very metatextual.
Tron girl, a ne
w client, shows up for her fitting and Brad and Rachel can hardly contain their joy upon meeting her. Brad says, "She's, like, drop-dead gorgeous and I feel like she should know I think that," which is a sentence that really should be engraved on a plaque somewhere in the ass-kissing hall of fame. Rachel says, "She has effortless beauty." What they're both really saying is "Oh, thank GOD she can fit into sample sizes." Rachel does her Rachel magic and the Tron girl walks out with a handful of perfectly styled outfits.Later, Brad does the styling for a photo shoot with Molly Sims hawking some designer water we never heard of. Everything's going swimmingly, as Brad announces to Jordan what a
great job he's doing and what a great idea it was to pack light and not bring too many options. Suddenly, doom music. Brad is upset to find out he could have packed really light because they only want to shoot her in black or white outfits, of which he has none. Brad doesn't want to inform Rachel of the problem because it will "get her all in a spiral," an image that tantalizes our imaginations as we picture Rachel in a turban and caftan, hopped up on diet pills and white wine, spiraling through her closet and collapsing into tears, Edina Monsoon-style. It could have happened. You don't know. Anyway, Brad's blood pressure shoots through the roof and his face looks like he's being shot by an infra-red camera. He's so stressed he's vibrating, causing a high-pitched whine far beyond the hearing range of heterosexuals. Gays all up and down the west coast suddenly start whining and scratching at doors and carpets.Meanwhi
le, Rachel is lightly brushing her fingers over packaged food and then yanking them away quickly, as if she'd been bitten. For the first time in a decade, Rachel is inBack at the water-we-never-heard-of shoot (and isn't it sad that we can say "we never heard of that water" and that doesn't sound weird at all? Think about it.), the crew of burly men all form a circle around the increasingly panicked Brad and stare daggers at him. His face looks a little like a Persian rug at this point. Thankfully, it's Ellie to
the rescue, who miraculously found white yoga clothes, which are as rare as diamonds in the L.A. area, apparently. Another successful job for Team Zoe. "Good job," says Jordan to Brad, the guy who decided not to overpack for the shoot and wound up having an intern save his ass because he underpacked for the shoot. Kind of makes you wonder what constitutes a bad job in ZoeLand.But enough of that. MC Hammer says, "Stop. Seder time." Suddenly, Rachel is dressed like Ruth Gordon and has parents. They're kind of adorable, actually. Everyone compliments Rachel for cooking the meal, as she sips her wine and observes all her employees cooking the meal. This process involves a lot of screaming. A bottle of 7-Up fizzes and everyone screams; a turkey gets washed
and everyone screams. Someone hands Rachel a baby and she screams, throws it to the floor and runs out of the house weeping. Joey joins her on the veranda, where he plays Mrs. Garrett to her Blair. "Clothes don't love you back, Rachel." Then he reveals that he comes to work every day hoping to hear that Rachel's pregnant. He asks her what she's going to do in 15 years, "like, love your job?" Joey, on behalf of The Gay Men's Union of North America, you are hereby revoked of your rank and privileges for being a lousy gay. Rachel reveals that she's not worried about getting fat, she's just worried about losing the baby, which, fair enough. We're not such assholes that we'd make fun of her for that. 
Then she announces she's going to cry and wipes away tiny, invisible tears.She goes back inside just in time to take credit for the meal, which is being laid out by sweaty, nervous employees. Rachel takes a seat so her father, Jewish Santa Claus, can make a toast, "BABYBABYBABY," he says, and everyone raises their glass in agreement. Rodger thinks to himself about the future of his marriage: "BABYBABYDIVORCEBABY"
Tune in next week for the season finale as Rachel doesn't have a baby!
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Labels: Rachel Zoe, The Rachel Zoe Project, The Rachel Zoe Project Season 3
