Fashion Model: Work of Art Episode 9: Into the Woods

Peek-a-boo! I'm having sex and taking drugs!

This looks like a frame from a low-budget horror movie.

"Chow Down!
A group of struggling artists go deep into the woods to find inspiration. Instead, they come across a strange little girl in couture, who proceeds to kill them one by one and EAT THEM!"

Y'know, somebody in charge of this dog and pony show (we're looking at you, SJP) should really stop and consider why it is the guest artists all make much better judges than the various critics and gallery owners who sit in every week. She was fabulous and very sympathetic to the artists. We're getting really sick and tired of Bill and Jerry fighting it out to see who can come up with the more quotable quip.

Winner: Abdi (finally!)

To be honest, we didn't see how this couldn't win.

Most of the pieces produced for this game show haven't even come close to gallery-level artwork but this one blows them all out of the water. A striking, haunting, highly personal piece.

We have to admit, when he started in on another self-portrait we were all "Abdi, you're turning into Jaclyn. Stop it." And we were a bit worried that he was going to be slammed for not painting pretty trees and rocks or whatever the fuck the judges were all going to decide constituted "nature." Thankfully, all the judges loved it. Well, Jerry had to get a couple digs in, first by "praising" him for not doing another pop art piece and then by criticizing the frame. THE FUCKING FRAME. Are you KIDDING us?

Miles:

Okay, maybe he really does have OCD.

How else to explain this byzantine, pretty much inexplicable piece of his?

Although to be honest, we never doubted that he had OCD; we just felt he was, shall we say, employing it effectively. Bill apparently had the same thought because he admitted he feels that Miles "hides behind" his OCD.

We really have no take on this piece. It might mean something to Miles and it might have an effect in person that we can't experience through the screen. To us, it just looks like another of Miles' Bob the Builder projects. Bang on some lumber for a while, put something cutesy like a bed or a mat in there, and then throw in something disgusting like a concrete asshole or a big piece of fungus. Done and done.

Jerry, of course, loved the "madness" of it. Insert eyeroll here. Still, Miles really has earned his place in the finals. For all his piles of bullshit, there really is an artist there.

Peregrine:

Oh, please.

"When I was a widdle girl, I saw people taking drugs and having sex because I grew up in the magic land of San Francisco!"

Funny how she keeps returning to that well after she won a challenge with it.

The judges didn't seem to love this one but they advanced her to the finals anyway. It's not that we think Peregrine hasn't done some interesting work; it's just that Nicole did far more interesting work; work that had more depth to it than Peregrine's child-like arts and crafts pieces.

Jaclyn (eliminated):

Believe it or not (because we've criticized her so much), we think this is a pretty good piece.

The problem with Jaclyn's work is that she almost never seems to know what the hell it is she's trying to say or accomplish with it. She just tries to shoehorn in the themes that she thinks make it sound deep. She got a ton of mileage out of that tired "male gaze" thing and she - somewhat hilariously, we might add - tried desperately to cram it in here with a picture of herself naked in the bathtub. We were happy to see Peregrine nail her to the wall for that one.

So instead, the waves became "confining" (WTF?) and the rock represented "freedom" (WTFuckety Fuck Fuck?). See, water represents men and rocks represent women, in Jaclyn's mind. Unfortunately for her, she didn't stop to consider that for millenia and across cultures, people have been assigning the exact opposite genders to these things. It's an interesting piece visually, but like all her work, it has zero depth to it.

Nicole (eliminated):

Poor Nicole. She really choked on this one. Whenever someone says "This challenge is right up my alley because I GREW UP doing EXACTLY this!!!" you can bet you'll be seeing their luggage by episode's end.

Like a lot of her work, it's sculptural and small, which draws the viewer in. What's missing here is any sort of meaning or message. It's just (somewhat) cool-looking stuff, arranged artfully. She said it was referencing her Native American heritage but she didn't seem to be able to explain how or why.

A damn shame because she was our favorite of the remaining artists. We thought she had it in the bag.