Heidi Klum Tries to Pull a Fast One.

Stealth crotch.

Heidi Klum at the "Live with Regis & Kelly" studios in New York.

Oh, Frau Samuel. Whatever will we do with you? You figured a demure (but slightly sheer) top and a pencil skirt with a tulip hem would be enough to silence your bitchy critics with their "Tight! Short! Shiny!" mantra, didn't you? And then you figured you were safe, so you hiked the hem up to your cooch, didn't you? And now when you stand with your legs together (which we HIGHLY recommend in a skirt like this) you look like a hot woman who's trying to hold in her pee, don't you? Did you think we wouldn't notice?

Honey, shit or get off the pot, as one of our grandmothers used to say. You wanna do the gyno-skirt, be our guest. We'll still probably make fun of you for it, but hey, it's kind of your signature look. But Liebchen, you can't have it both ways. You can look professional, demure and dignified or you can show the world your northern thigh area, but you can't do both at the same time. You ESPECIALLY can't wear a skirt that inexplicably covers your outer thighs but looks like a curtain opening up on the main attraction of your inner thighs. It's confusing. You can't serve two masters, Heidi.

Also, that hair. Not loving it. And just once, we'd like to see you in a simple pair of, say, open-toed stilettos rather than the bear trap shoes you favor.

[Photo Credit: wireimage.com]

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